Winter Break and New Year's Resolutions!

It has been quite a relaxing winter break, being back in the California with no work or school. But at the same time I feel this bittersweetness of being home and also of finishing the year off. This has probably been the year of my "turning point" into adulthood. I struggled with identity and went through some hard times coming out on top having conquered quite a bit of depression and anxiety. After this year I feel the most myself, the most me, and boy, does that feel good. I gained and then lost my "Freshman Fifteen" and I feel more healthy than ever. I stopped eating meat and I have more energy than ever and I feel so much more alive. I have had the amazing opportunity to see some incredible bands live and music has really become a thing that I enjoy so much. I have made new friends in Seattle and have started building these incredible relationships with a few incredible people who I really admire and inspire me so much.

All in all I am so proud of who I have become and everything I have conquered and I am SO PUMPED for this upcoming year, I know it will be full of laughter and late night study nights and hikes into the Washington wild and friendship and love and so much of everything.

One of my friends said the following (quite beautifully might I add), "I'm having this realization that my entire life up until now was just fluff, just filler. Sure, I learned and grew up and made friends but it was all for what's happening now. Now, I'm living somewhere I love where I can go out and just breathe in the beauty of nature. I'm studying something that I have such a strong passion for and I am surrounded by people with that same passion. I've made friends that make me feel more appreciated and loved than I ever have. I have a kitten who doesn't seem like much and is a total asshole but who comforts me and keeps me company when I need it most. I have a family who I love with my whole being. I am becoming a better person, with a whole new inspiration burning inside of me that I've never let come to the surface before. I am so thankful for this past year, 2013 was the hardest year of my life, but also the most important. 2014 has so much in store for me, I can't wait."

We are all growing up, now everything means more, its harder, but everything is so much more important to me now, my relationships, my studies, my family. It's like someone has turned on a light and I see everything with clarity now.

And looking forward to this next year, here are a few of my Resolutions for 2014 :) (They start off simple and stupid but that is because it took me longer to think out the really important ones)

1. NO SODA
2. Teach myself how to sing
3. Teach myself to draw (summer class?)
4. Get into my Word more, learn more about my religion and spirituality
5.Work a few more hours and buy myself nice things (aka concert tickets and trips)
6. PROMOTE AND PRACTICE SELF LOVE, SELF ACTUALIZATION, AND SELF CONFIDENCE
7. Continue to not let work and anxiety stop me from doing things that I love/want to do
8. Seek nature, love nature, and nurture nature
9. Travel a bit more, see new places and meet new people
10. Build on my current friendships and appreciate people more and be more grateful for these people.

I hope you all have amazing holiday breaks and lets all look forward to an incredible incoming year!

~~~

Winter will be white, Music

Music has been my best friend these past few months. Through all of the stress that is college it has helped me decompress and remember to take a breath or two. I have been extremely fortunate to see some amazing musicians perform this fall and am looking forward to seeing some more during winter quarter. So many good albums have come out this past year and I must share them with you! Also none of this will come as a surprise since I have talked about almost all of these bands in previous posts...

1. Vessel - twenty one pilots

Tyler and Josh totally rocked this album and seeing them live a few weeks ago was just the icing on the cake. Josh is such an incredible drummer and with the combination of that and Tyler's compelling lyrics, the entire album is a must listen to. In concert, their performance was so whole heartily done and more genuine than any show I have been to. It was pretty cool getting to meet Tyler too, it would be weird to say things like, yeah he was a really nice guy because I don't really know anything about him but I can tell he puts everything he has into his music and I can really appreciate that.

2. Oak Island - Our Last Night

Also got to see these guys in concert, so amazing live as well. It was unfortunate that their set only lasted about a half hour and for most of the set we were weaving up to the front and slightly distracted but that didn't stop me from screaming every lyric at the top of my lungs. Their new album is pretty amazing and even though it is quite short with only seven songs, the instrumentals and vocals are beautiful. Matt and Trevor's voices go so well together and even though the lyrics are fairly simple, they always but so much effort into their music and they were way better live than on any of their recorded music.

3. Sempiternal - Bring me the Horizon

This is my most recent new found love, Taylor and I just bought tickets for their show in March. Tay has been looking forward to the day that Bring me the Horizon comes to the States since she was just a teen babe. And honestly, I am so looking forward to this show as well. Before I bought my ticket I had heard a few of their songs but since then I have checked out their most recent album and, boy, is it gold. On youtube they have the full album for our listening joys. I have listened to it a good five or six times through and have appreciated every moment of it. The thing I love about heavier music is the heavier use of bass and more intricate instrument usage in general. It is actually really soothing to me, which might be strange. I plan on taking some time to listen to their older stuff in the near future. Also Oli Sykes (lead singer) just came out with a winter collection and I may or may not blow the bank on it.

4. Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die! - Panic! at the Disco

This is Panic!'s newest album and way different from their many different sounds. The band has undergone quite a few rearrangements of new members and the different sound in the music totally reflects this. This album is much more dance-y than their usual but it totally works with Brendon's voice. They are coming next year and it is sold out but I'm holding out for stubhub prices to drop right before the show (rumor says that that almost always happens, people trying to get rid of their tickets) and since none of them have been selling, I'm confident they will start dropping soon. Been waiting to see them since I was a young babe and if this night comes true it shall be a beautiful night.

Those are the albums I am currently listening to for fall and going into winter, once I find some more gems I won't hesitate to share! I am also so looking forward to Thanksgiving, I get to go up north and visit all of my friends from far away places as well as my friends from not so far away places! Including a few friends I haven't seen in over a year! I have been a bit sick all quarter and this is unfortunate but I am so looking forward to some time off of school, only have classes tomorrow for the rest of the week, oh the joys of the holidays!

~~~

Some people lose themselves at one point or another

and when you find yourself again, you will be a different person, 

everything will be different and that is ok. 

It is ok to be sad and you have every right to feel sad 

but also know that you don't have to feel sad forever, 

that is a burden no one was meant to bare

Our Last Night Concert

Photo taken from Trevor Wentworth's Instagram, I am in this picture somewhere but I'm not even going to try and look..

So this concert definitely happened last Saturday but I have been going very nonstop on life and today is my breathing day! And the concert was quite amazing. It was at Showbox SoDo and it was my first time going there it it was a quite sick venue. Unlike the twenty one pilots concert we decided to go after the doors opened to avoid waiting in a terribly cold line. Despite the fact that we were at probably the very back of the line, we made it up to the second row during Our Last Nights set. I definitely thought I was going to die multiple times, especially when two people elbowed me in the face from either side and my head bent almost completely backwards and I just about broke it, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. 

In short, Our Last Night's set was amazing and they are so incredible live and it was all things good and no things bad. Well bad in one aspect, and that is that it was only a half an hour set. I knew all the words to all of the songs they played and they played all of my favorite songs by them and that was quite nice. I am so holding out for them to play with warped tour.

Also Issues played next and I wasn't quite invested in them but they were also really good live. Got pretty up close with Tyler Carter and that was nice. After being elbowed on every part of our bodies Taylor and I called it quits on the front and chilled in the back for Breathe Carolina and Sleeping with Sirens sets. Kellin Quinn talked way too much, like much more talking than playing which was dumb but this really tall friend we made asked me if I wanted to go on his shoulder, and for the very brief moments I was on his shoulders it was really cool, the best view, especially because he was a good 6'2" at least. Then a security person told me to get down, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

All in all it was a great concert and even though we got quite beaten up it was still so amazing and I look forward to seeing them again in the future. Below are some more photos from the show taken by the wonderful Karen Ready. After the show I found her website and I am so digging her work.

~~~

Many more shows coming up in winter and spring including Panic! and Bring me the Horizon and I plan on going bankrupt buying all of the tickets...

Etty Hillesum

"It is possible to suffer with dignity and without. I mean: most of us in the West don't understand the art of suffering and experience a thousand fears instead. We cease to be alive, being full of fear, bitterness, hatred, and despair. God knows, it's only too easy to understand why. But... I am in Poland every day, on the battlefields, if that is what one can call them. I often see visions of poisonous green smoke; I am with the hungry, with the ill-treated and the dying, every day, but I am also with the jasmine and with that piece of the sky beyond my window; there is room for everything in a single life... I sometimes bow my head under the great burden that weighs down on me, but even as I bow my head I also feel the need, almost mechanically, to fold my hands. And so I can sit for hours and know everything and bear anything and grow stronger in the bearing of it, and at the same time feel sure that life is beautiful and worth living and meaningful. Despite everything."

-- Etty Hillesum, written in Holland one year before her death in Auschwitz, 1942.

I was just reading for my Theology class and this quote really resonated with me. As I grow older I am finding it harder and harder to believe that from all the suck that happens, I grow stronger. I feel like that might be something I tell myself and that other people might see in me, but I always feel the same. I feel so sempiternal. I bet I will start to notice soon, if Etty was alive today I know I would have a huge friend-crush on her.

Something beautiful from this past weekend, Taken at the parliament building in Victoria BC by a good friend of mine, Scott Young.

I tried to make a new playlist but 8tracks won't let me make one with more than two songs by one artist, and the playlist consists of four twenty one pilots songs here it is below with links, it is my fall playlist that I have been nonstop listening to.

1. Oh, Ms. Believer twenty one pilots

2. Kiss Me Ed Sheeran

3. Screen twenty one pilots

4. This is Gospel Panic! at the Disco

5. Addict with a Pen twenty one pilots

6. Vegas Lights Panic! at the Disco

7. Global Concepts Robert DeLong

8. Fake You Out twenty one pilots

~~~

Any Seattleites out there, Robert and Panic! are playing this upcoming January, just saying.

twenty one pilots Concert |-/

Last night was the long awaited twenty one pilots concert. It was everything I hoped it was going to be, nothing more or less but just exactly what I wanted to happen. I am not suffering too greatly from post concert depression and I think it is because I am not obsessed with Tyler and Josh as people I just really really enjoy their music and I can listen to it anywhere but the best part of going to the concert was just being in the same room with so many people that knew all the lyrics and all the claps and all the beats and all the everything.

They were such great performers and the entire show was flawless, the stage setup, the transitions, the talky part, and even when they performed on the crowd (actually on the crowd, we literally help up a drum set for Josh). It was so well done and just everything about it was enjoyable and alive. I am in a really weird mood at the moment and I think that is definitely evident in this post..

Also we got to meet Tyler and one of his friends which was pretty cool. We just introduced ourselves and had a pretty regular conversation, I let him know he had a date with us later in the evening (the concert of course) and, well, the date went really well. And I was one of the only people who brought a mask, which I thought was weird, and when I wore it around before the concert everyone was like, "woah she has one of the masks like the band," and I just was just shakin' my head.

I honestly don't have too much to say, I plan on writing a very lengthy journal entry about the concert later today because well, I am still a teenage girl. And lately I have had the extreme sense of longing, just missing a lot of different people and struggling with trying not to fall into habits that took over me last year. It is so hard to fight something inside yourself. It is so hard for me and I wish it wasn't. But I guess all that matters is that I am fighting and I am confident I can win the battle.

It is so cool to see people achieve their goals but sometimes it is a harsh reminder that I am far away from achieving any of mine, stay strong, carry on, thats just what I gotta do.

Pictures from the concert/before below!

Like I said, we were literally holding Josh up :) Picture taken by Taylor Burmer.

Taylor and I in line for the show 

~~~

Are brains are sick but that's ok.

Same Old War

Our Last Night released their single to promote their new album coming out soon Oak Island with an accompanying music video. As a contributor to the campaign, I was able to get an early download of the song and if the phrase "on repeat" was an adjective it would totally be applicable to this situation.

The song is completely and utterly amazing. What always shocks me about their music is the intricate rhythms that they create with. Maybe they aren't intricate at all but hey, my only relationship to music is enjoyment. The lyrics to most of their songs tend to be simple and built with fairly simple vocabulary but the combination of that and the glorious voices and the instruments and ALL OF THE SKILLS. I am nerding out inside of my head but that doesn't really translate to type. If it could this would be so many pages right now.

I made some GIFs and unfortunately imgflip has started branding things made through their websites, which,,makes sense but takes a slight bit from the short snippets of beauty from this music video.

I love the last shot of the video, it totally stands for the die hard fans that have stuck close despite them getting dropped from their old record label and loosing face. They have so much talent and no one should have given that up. I am ecstatic that their campaign raised enough money for them to keep putting out new music and I am even more psyched to hear the rest of their upcoming album that comes out in just a few weeks! Below is the full music video, please do watch and enjoy.

Quick side note, started dissecting a pig today, his name Oliver Snuggles Olaveson, first name is after a dear friend who seeks to adopt a teacup pig one day.

~~~

Also had the absolute pleasure of visiting my grandma's with these lovely ladies. Twas quite the lovely outing that included a short hike and a homemade dinner. Evidence below! Can't wait till she comes back in spring so we can get some sun is as well.

Still Hanging in There

A week and a half into school and I have only had one panic attack! (actually good news). School is extremely overwhelming and I often find myself anxious to the point where I can't focus. Multiple times in the middle of class I lose the ability to comprehend. Better news is that I am starting to finally get ahold of things. A huge and amazing outlet I have begun to use is drawing. I am not much of an artist, I don't really understand shapes or shading or any sort of color scale, but I do love to draw. Almost every day since school started I have had to come back to my room, blast music and drone out all outside sounds and just draw. And after about the hour or so of this all of the knots inside my organs have unknotted. 

Being anxious is something I am used to, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but I would also like it to not be there. I am working through it and trying my best to get a grip on myself. I could sum up college in one word it would be "overwhelming" but the rest of life will probably be like that as well.

In way better news, everything has been quite amazing. I finally purchased the album Vessel and now it is on repeat. The weather has been super incredible and I have been able to get some good runs in especially thanks to the new tunes.

Here is something I drew the other day:
I don't have a scanner so I had to take a picture of it and it is also edited a little bit because I felt like playing around with it a bit, idea comes from Migraine by twenty one pilots of course.

Just the idea of having to stop thinking for a moment in order to stay sane one hundred percent relates to my recent episodes of anxiety. I just have to calm down an realize that everything is actually ok and will be, realize that the world isn't actually falling down around me.

I have a ton more drawings that I will post eventually, it isn't necessarily a drawing, more of words and corresponding pictures that relay some of my ideas. 

~~~

Let it be said what the headache represents

It's me defending in suspense

It's me suspended in a defenseless

test being tested by a ruthless examinant

that's represented best by my depress...ing thoughts

Migraine