First Week of Classes: Winter Quarter Edition

I have officially made it through my second first week of this school year. Feeling a little bit overwhelmed and under qualified, I still absolutely love being back in Seattle. I have already read over 100 text book pages and am still a little behind but still hanging in. The difference this quarter is that I don't have my terrible psychology class and both of my bio classes are starting to be interesting and kind of ok to learn about. But despite all of the work that comes with college, I love being here and I am going to take advantage of it and marinate in this education.

And on the social side of things, this quarter has started out way fun. I now have class at regular times so I can have lunch with my friends and that has actually been a huge thing for me. Last quarter I skipped a few too many classes out of anxiety and having a convenient break in the day has made a world of difference. And this past weekend my neighbor and friend had a few of his hometown buddies come and visit and I had so much fun getting to know some new people and touring around Seattle. Another thing is that I am just starting to get close with my friends here. Moving to a school in a different state was really hard for me because I didn't have those friends that I met in 3rd grade and know everything about and can talk to about anything. I had to start fresh and that freaked me out. But now I have a group of friends who are amazing and so different in all of the good ways. It is just so refreshing to be surrounded by people that you love.

And on the work side of things. Working almost double the hours but it is way easier now. My schedule was so weird last quarter and I was required to volunteer once a week and my classes just had a lot of weird busy work. Now that my schedule for school is normal and I have better studying habits, picking up the extra hours hasn't taken much of a toll on me at all. I actually enjoy going to work, I work with really nice people and my manager is a total sweetheart.

All in all I think it is pretty easy to tell that this quarter is off to an amazing start and I cannot wait to see what comes.

Also below is twenty one pilots new music video for Truce and it is quite lovely :)

Stay happy, breathe, and enjoy.

~~~

Winter will be white, Music

Music has been my best friend these past few months. Through all of the stress that is college it has helped me decompress and remember to take a breath or two. I have been extremely fortunate to see some amazing musicians perform this fall and am looking forward to seeing some more during winter quarter. So many good albums have come out this past year and I must share them with you! Also none of this will come as a surprise since I have talked about almost all of these bands in previous posts...

1. Vessel - twenty one pilots

Tyler and Josh totally rocked this album and seeing them live a few weeks ago was just the icing on the cake. Josh is such an incredible drummer and with the combination of that and Tyler's compelling lyrics, the entire album is a must listen to. In concert, their performance was so whole heartily done and more genuine than any show I have been to. It was pretty cool getting to meet Tyler too, it would be weird to say things like, yeah he was a really nice guy because I don't really know anything about him but I can tell he puts everything he has into his music and I can really appreciate that.

2. Oak Island - Our Last Night

Also got to see these guys in concert, so amazing live as well. It was unfortunate that their set only lasted about a half hour and for most of the set we were weaving up to the front and slightly distracted but that didn't stop me from screaming every lyric at the top of my lungs. Their new album is pretty amazing and even though it is quite short with only seven songs, the instrumentals and vocals are beautiful. Matt and Trevor's voices go so well together and even though the lyrics are fairly simple, they always but so much effort into their music and they were way better live than on any of their recorded music.

3. Sempiternal - Bring me the Horizon

This is my most recent new found love, Taylor and I just bought tickets for their show in March. Tay has been looking forward to the day that Bring me the Horizon comes to the States since she was just a teen babe. And honestly, I am so looking forward to this show as well. Before I bought my ticket I had heard a few of their songs but since then I have checked out their most recent album and, boy, is it gold. On youtube they have the full album for our listening joys. I have listened to it a good five or six times through and have appreciated every moment of it. The thing I love about heavier music is the heavier use of bass and more intricate instrument usage in general. It is actually really soothing to me, which might be strange. I plan on taking some time to listen to their older stuff in the near future. Also Oli Sykes (lead singer) just came out with a winter collection and I may or may not blow the bank on it.

4. Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die! - Panic! at the Disco

This is Panic!'s newest album and way different from their many different sounds. The band has undergone quite a few rearrangements of new members and the different sound in the music totally reflects this. This album is much more dance-y than their usual but it totally works with Brendon's voice. They are coming next year and it is sold out but I'm holding out for stubhub prices to drop right before the show (rumor says that that almost always happens, people trying to get rid of their tickets) and since none of them have been selling, I'm confident they will start dropping soon. Been waiting to see them since I was a young babe and if this night comes true it shall be a beautiful night.

Those are the albums I am currently listening to for fall and going into winter, once I find some more gems I won't hesitate to share! I am also so looking forward to Thanksgiving, I get to go up north and visit all of my friends from far away places as well as my friends from not so far away places! Including a few friends I haven't seen in over a year! I have been a bit sick all quarter and this is unfortunate but I am so looking forward to some time off of school, only have classes tomorrow for the rest of the week, oh the joys of the holidays!

~~~

Some people lose themselves at one point or another

and when you find yourself again, you will be a different person, 

everything will be different and that is ok. 

It is ok to be sad and you have every right to feel sad 

but also know that you don't have to feel sad forever, 

that is a burden no one was meant to bare

Etty Hillesum

"It is possible to suffer with dignity and without. I mean: most of us in the West don't understand the art of suffering and experience a thousand fears instead. We cease to be alive, being full of fear, bitterness, hatred, and despair. God knows, it's only too easy to understand why. But... I am in Poland every day, on the battlefields, if that is what one can call them. I often see visions of poisonous green smoke; I am with the hungry, with the ill-treated and the dying, every day, but I am also with the jasmine and with that piece of the sky beyond my window; there is room for everything in a single life... I sometimes bow my head under the great burden that weighs down on me, but even as I bow my head I also feel the need, almost mechanically, to fold my hands. And so I can sit for hours and know everything and bear anything and grow stronger in the bearing of it, and at the same time feel sure that life is beautiful and worth living and meaningful. Despite everything."

-- Etty Hillesum, written in Holland one year before her death in Auschwitz, 1942.

I was just reading for my Theology class and this quote really resonated with me. As I grow older I am finding it harder and harder to believe that from all the suck that happens, I grow stronger. I feel like that might be something I tell myself and that other people might see in me, but I always feel the same. I feel so sempiternal. I bet I will start to notice soon, if Etty was alive today I know I would have a huge friend-crush on her.

Something beautiful from this past weekend, Taken at the parliament building in Victoria BC by a good friend of mine, Scott Young.

I tried to make a new playlist but 8tracks won't let me make one with more than two songs by one artist, and the playlist consists of four twenty one pilots songs here it is below with links, it is my fall playlist that I have been nonstop listening to.

1. Oh, Ms. Believer twenty one pilots

2. Kiss Me Ed Sheeran

3. Screen twenty one pilots

4. This is Gospel Panic! at the Disco

5. Addict with a Pen twenty one pilots

6. Vegas Lights Panic! at the Disco

7. Global Concepts Robert DeLong

8. Fake You Out twenty one pilots

~~~

Any Seattleites out there, Robert and Panic! are playing this upcoming January, just saying.

twenty one pilots Concert |-/

Last night was the long awaited twenty one pilots concert. It was everything I hoped it was going to be, nothing more or less but just exactly what I wanted to happen. I am not suffering too greatly from post concert depression and I think it is because I am not obsessed with Tyler and Josh as people I just really really enjoy their music and I can listen to it anywhere but the best part of going to the concert was just being in the same room with so many people that knew all the lyrics and all the claps and all the beats and all the everything.

They were such great performers and the entire show was flawless, the stage setup, the transitions, the talky part, and even when they performed on the crowd (actually on the crowd, we literally help up a drum set for Josh). It was so well done and just everything about it was enjoyable and alive. I am in a really weird mood at the moment and I think that is definitely evident in this post..

Also we got to meet Tyler and one of his friends which was pretty cool. We just introduced ourselves and had a pretty regular conversation, I let him know he had a date with us later in the evening (the concert of course) and, well, the date went really well. And I was one of the only people who brought a mask, which I thought was weird, and when I wore it around before the concert everyone was like, "woah she has one of the masks like the band," and I just was just shakin' my head.

I honestly don't have too much to say, I plan on writing a very lengthy journal entry about the concert later today because well, I am still a teenage girl. And lately I have had the extreme sense of longing, just missing a lot of different people and struggling with trying not to fall into habits that took over me last year. It is so hard to fight something inside yourself. It is so hard for me and I wish it wasn't. But I guess all that matters is that I am fighting and I am confident I can win the battle.

It is so cool to see people achieve their goals but sometimes it is a harsh reminder that I am far away from achieving any of mine, stay strong, carry on, thats just what I gotta do.

Pictures from the concert/before below!

Like I said, we were literally holding Josh up :) Picture taken by Taylor Burmer.

Taylor and I in line for the show 

~~~

Are brains are sick but that's ok.

Still Hanging in There

A week and a half into school and I have only had one panic attack! (actually good news). School is extremely overwhelming and I often find myself anxious to the point where I can't focus. Multiple times in the middle of class I lose the ability to comprehend. Better news is that I am starting to finally get ahold of things. A huge and amazing outlet I have begun to use is drawing. I am not much of an artist, I don't really understand shapes or shading or any sort of color scale, but I do love to draw. Almost every day since school started I have had to come back to my room, blast music and drone out all outside sounds and just draw. And after about the hour or so of this all of the knots inside my organs have unknotted. 

Being anxious is something I am used to, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but I would also like it to not be there. I am working through it and trying my best to get a grip on myself. I could sum up college in one word it would be "overwhelming" but the rest of life will probably be like that as well.

In way better news, everything has been quite amazing. I finally purchased the album Vessel and now it is on repeat. The weather has been super incredible and I have been able to get some good runs in especially thanks to the new tunes.

Here is something I drew the other day:
I don't have a scanner so I had to take a picture of it and it is also edited a little bit because I felt like playing around with it a bit, idea comes from Migraine by twenty one pilots of course.

Just the idea of having to stop thinking for a moment in order to stay sane one hundred percent relates to my recent episodes of anxiety. I just have to calm down an realize that everything is actually ok and will be, realize that the world isn't actually falling down around me.

I have a ton more drawings that I will post eventually, it isn't necessarily a drawing, more of words and corresponding pictures that relay some of my ideas. 

~~~

Let it be said what the headache represents

It's me defending in suspense

It's me suspended in a defenseless

test being tested by a ruthless examinant

that's represented best by my depress...ing thoughts

Migraine

First Week of School

Yay I am still alive! So much has happened in this first week and I am excited about ALL OF IT. It was extremely exhausting but, I am very happy with my classes, all of my professors seem like very good teachers and the classes interesting. It will be way more work than last year but that is to be expected as my journey continues in the college experience. Also, my PSYC teacher is the most adorable person ever and I like that a lot.

Social wise, I happen to be following my own advice! My roommates and I have bonded further and our last minute forth addition is awesome and is weird like us too. Last night we had quite the intense game of catch phrase and watched House and the End of the Street with our neighbors. Everyone saw my true weird side through my competitive outlet, so prayer circle that I still have friends after that :) And today we are hitting up the shopping downtown for fun. I made some new friends that are awesome and it has been ten times easier than last year.

Also still on my Twenty One Pilots high, so enjoy these things that are below:

Photo by Brad Heaton

And a sweet, sweet mother son song by Twenty One Pilots:

Short post but I will definitely have more to say soon.

~~~

Twenty One Pilots

I am extremely fortunate to have friends with great music taste. Recently my friend Taylor and her mother visited me at my grandma's and she mentioned a concert that she was interested in. She said I should check out their music and LO AND BEHOLD IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST LISTEN.

So we are officially attending the Twenty One Pilots concert in November :). I could go on and on about all the things I love about their music, the drummer, Josh Dun, can hit the drums astonishingly hard while creating such an incredible combination of sounds to create a gorgeous rhythm. The energy they bring to their music is extremely prominent in their every song and every performance and I am so so so excited to see them live. I made this thing that I like and some other people like it too and this makes me happy:

Scenes taken from "Holding On To You" Music Video

Another thing I absolutely an enamored by is their quirk. They are just so genuinely weird in such a beautiful way that I can't help but love their music that much more. They discuss how joy is different than happiness and that you can still be depressed and experience joy, from a psychological perspective that doesn't really make sense to me based off the meaning of depression, but nonetheless I do think that we can be very sad about something, inescapably temporarily sad, but still experience joy through family and friends while going through a hard time. Also I found this explanation of the band name completely fascinating and just beautiful in a weird way. Taken from the Twenty One Pilots official website.

"Ok so, I (Tyler) was in theatre class and we were studying a play called "All My Sons" written by Arthur Miller in the 40's. It was about a father who ran a company that provided parts for airplanes used in WWII. He then found out that his parts were faulty, so he comes to a moral crossroads:1. He can take the parts back and not send them out, but he will lose a lot of money in a financially tough situation. He would also taint his business and his name and be known as 'unreliable' in his trade. But this would ultimately be the 'right' thing to do. or,2. send the parts out, make the necessary money to provide for his family, not taint his name, etc. He ends up sending the parts out and twenty one pilots died because of it. His son was a pilot in the war who had lost his life. There was no evidence to prove that it was directly related but his daughter blamed her father for her brothers death. He ended up committing suicide at the end of the play. Here's how we make it relevant: I feel like we are all constantly encountering moral crossroads where the decisions that benefit the "now" will have consequences down the road; but the decision that might seem tough and tolling right away will ultimately be more rewarding. What is our purpose for playing music? We are constantly asking ourselves that question. The answer can change all the time, but for right now we are just going to stick with something as simple as 'we want to make people think.'"

I am very excited to see them live and I will be totally prepared to front row this one. Below is another one of my favorite songs of theirs along with the other million I love :)

~~~

We've turned our hands to guns, trade in our thumbs for ammunition,
I must forewarn you, of my disorder, or my condition,
'Cause when the sun sets, it upsets what's left of my invested interest,
Interested in putting my fingers to my head,
The solution is, I see a whole room of these mutant kids,
Fused at the wrist, I simply tell them they should shoot at this,
Simply suggest my chest and this confused music, it's,
Obviously best for them to turn their guns to a fist.