Etty Hillesum

"It is possible to suffer with dignity and without. I mean: most of us in the West don't understand the art of suffering and experience a thousand fears instead. We cease to be alive, being full of fear, bitterness, hatred, and despair. God knows, it's only too easy to understand why. But... I am in Poland every day, on the battlefields, if that is what one can call them. I often see visions of poisonous green smoke; I am with the hungry, with the ill-treated and the dying, every day, but I am also with the jasmine and with that piece of the sky beyond my window; there is room for everything in a single life... I sometimes bow my head under the great burden that weighs down on me, but even as I bow my head I also feel the need, almost mechanically, to fold my hands. And so I can sit for hours and know everything and bear anything and grow stronger in the bearing of it, and at the same time feel sure that life is beautiful and worth living and meaningful. Despite everything."

-- Etty Hillesum, written in Holland one year before her death in Auschwitz, 1942.

I was just reading for my Theology class and this quote really resonated with me. As I grow older I am finding it harder and harder to believe that from all the suck that happens, I grow stronger. I feel like that might be something I tell myself and that other people might see in me, but I always feel the same. I feel so sempiternal. I bet I will start to notice soon, if Etty was alive today I know I would have a huge friend-crush on her.

Something beautiful from this past weekend, Taken at the parliament building in Victoria BC by a good friend of mine, Scott Young.

I tried to make a new playlist but 8tracks won't let me make one with more than two songs by one artist, and the playlist consists of four twenty one pilots songs here it is below with links, it is my fall playlist that I have been nonstop listening to.

1. Oh, Ms. Believer twenty one pilots

2. Kiss Me Ed Sheeran

3. Screen twenty one pilots

4. This is Gospel Panic! at the Disco

5. Addict with a Pen twenty one pilots

6. Vegas Lights Panic! at the Disco

7. Global Concepts Robert DeLong

8. Fake You Out twenty one pilots

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Any Seattleites out there, Robert and Panic! are playing this upcoming January, just saying.

twenty one pilots Concert |-/

Last night was the long awaited twenty one pilots concert. It was everything I hoped it was going to be, nothing more or less but just exactly what I wanted to happen. I am not suffering too greatly from post concert depression and I think it is because I am not obsessed with Tyler and Josh as people I just really really enjoy their music and I can listen to it anywhere but the best part of going to the concert was just being in the same room with so many people that knew all the lyrics and all the claps and all the beats and all the everything.

They were such great performers and the entire show was flawless, the stage setup, the transitions, the talky part, and even when they performed on the crowd (actually on the crowd, we literally help up a drum set for Josh). It was so well done and just everything about it was enjoyable and alive. I am in a really weird mood at the moment and I think that is definitely evident in this post..

Also we got to meet Tyler and one of his friends which was pretty cool. We just introduced ourselves and had a pretty regular conversation, I let him know he had a date with us later in the evening (the concert of course) and, well, the date went really well. And I was one of the only people who brought a mask, which I thought was weird, and when I wore it around before the concert everyone was like, "woah she has one of the masks like the band," and I just was just shakin' my head.

I honestly don't have too much to say, I plan on writing a very lengthy journal entry about the concert later today because well, I am still a teenage girl. And lately I have had the extreme sense of longing, just missing a lot of different people and struggling with trying not to fall into habits that took over me last year. It is so hard to fight something inside yourself. It is so hard for me and I wish it wasn't. But I guess all that matters is that I am fighting and I am confident I can win the battle.

It is so cool to see people achieve their goals but sometimes it is a harsh reminder that I am far away from achieving any of mine, stay strong, carry on, thats just what I gotta do.

Pictures from the concert/before below!

Like I said, we were literally holding Josh up :) Picture taken by Taylor Burmer.

Taylor and I in line for the show 

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Are brains are sick but that's ok.

Same Old War

Our Last Night released their single to promote their new album coming out soon Oak Island with an accompanying music video. As a contributor to the campaign, I was able to get an early download of the song and if the phrase "on repeat" was an adjective it would totally be applicable to this situation.

The song is completely and utterly amazing. What always shocks me about their music is the intricate rhythms that they create with. Maybe they aren't intricate at all but hey, my only relationship to music is enjoyment. The lyrics to most of their songs tend to be simple and built with fairly simple vocabulary but the combination of that and the glorious voices and the instruments and ALL OF THE SKILLS. I am nerding out inside of my head but that doesn't really translate to type. If it could this would be so many pages right now.

I made some GIFs and unfortunately imgflip has started branding things made through their websites, which,,makes sense but takes a slight bit from the short snippets of beauty from this music video.

I love the last shot of the video, it totally stands for the die hard fans that have stuck close despite them getting dropped from their old record label and loosing face. They have so much talent and no one should have given that up. I am ecstatic that their campaign raised enough money for them to keep putting out new music and I am even more psyched to hear the rest of their upcoming album that comes out in just a few weeks! Below is the full music video, please do watch and enjoy.

Quick side note, started dissecting a pig today, his name Oliver Snuggles Olaveson, first name is after a dear friend who seeks to adopt a teacup pig one day.

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Also had the absolute pleasure of visiting my grandma's with these lovely ladies. Twas quite the lovely outing that included a short hike and a homemade dinner. Evidence below! Can't wait till she comes back in spring so we can get some sun is as well.

Still Hanging in There

A week and a half into school and I have only had one panic attack! (actually good news). School is extremely overwhelming and I often find myself anxious to the point where I can't focus. Multiple times in the middle of class I lose the ability to comprehend. Better news is that I am starting to finally get ahold of things. A huge and amazing outlet I have begun to use is drawing. I am not much of an artist, I don't really understand shapes or shading or any sort of color scale, but I do love to draw. Almost every day since school started I have had to come back to my room, blast music and drone out all outside sounds and just draw. And after about the hour or so of this all of the knots inside my organs have unknotted. 

Being anxious is something I am used to, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but I would also like it to not be there. I am working through it and trying my best to get a grip on myself. I could sum up college in one word it would be "overwhelming" but the rest of life will probably be like that as well.

In way better news, everything has been quite amazing. I finally purchased the album Vessel and now it is on repeat. The weather has been super incredible and I have been able to get some good runs in especially thanks to the new tunes.

Here is something I drew the other day:
I don't have a scanner so I had to take a picture of it and it is also edited a little bit because I felt like playing around with it a bit, idea comes from Migraine by twenty one pilots of course.

Just the idea of having to stop thinking for a moment in order to stay sane one hundred percent relates to my recent episodes of anxiety. I just have to calm down an realize that everything is actually ok and will be, realize that the world isn't actually falling down around me.

I have a ton more drawings that I will post eventually, it isn't necessarily a drawing, more of words and corresponding pictures that relay some of my ideas. 

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Let it be said what the headache represents

It's me defending in suspense

It's me suspended in a defenseless

test being tested by a ruthless examinant

that's represented best by my depress...ing thoughts

Migraine

First Week of School

Yay I am still alive! So much has happened in this first week and I am excited about ALL OF IT. It was extremely exhausting but, I am very happy with my classes, all of my professors seem like very good teachers and the classes interesting. It will be way more work than last year but that is to be expected as my journey continues in the college experience. Also, my PSYC teacher is the most adorable person ever and I like that a lot.

Social wise, I happen to be following my own advice! My roommates and I have bonded further and our last minute forth addition is awesome and is weird like us too. Last night we had quite the intense game of catch phrase and watched House and the End of the Street with our neighbors. Everyone saw my true weird side through my competitive outlet, so prayer circle that I still have friends after that :) And today we are hitting up the shopping downtown for fun. I made some new friends that are awesome and it has been ten times easier than last year.

Also still on my Twenty One Pilots high, so enjoy these things that are below:

Photo by Brad Heaton

And a sweet, sweet mother son song by Twenty One Pilots:

Short post but I will definitely have more to say soon.

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My College Advice

My brother happens to be moving away to school, now he is older but hasn't really lived away from home yet. As he transitions from community college to the prestigious UCSD, my parents have asked me to put together a list of things to remember while living away from home for the first time. I thought it would be such a shame to impart my wisdom on just him, so I thought I should make a post about it.

First of all, I was no where near ready to move away from home when I did, I had an extremely hard time transitioning into college life and I still don't have everything figured out. I did learn quite a lot and I am very excited to start another year at Seattle University. Here are a few quick tips to help the move!

1. Time Management. A term that can be used for pretty much every aspect of mental health and social life at college. Remember to take time for yourself, take an hour or so every day to sit and browse the internet, listen to music, watch TV, exercise, or read a book to detox a bit. But also remember not to spend too much time by yourself (a mistake my lonely self made) because it creates a lack of stimulation and makes life kind of boring and miserable when it doesn't have to be like that.

2. SLEEP CYCLE. Probably the most important thing, creating a sleep cycle. You will be healthier and less prone to catching colds and all the fun things that living in the dorms have to offer. Even if you are going to bed every night at 2 in the morning and waking up at noon, that is still way better than having no sleep cycle at all.

3. Activities. Get involved. Something I was also terrible at. And something that I still need to work on, but this year I already have some trips and concerts planned and I intend on going on a bunch of hikes with a school program and just doing more fun things. A lot of people go to new areas to go to school and you might as well take advantage of learning a new city and seeing all that it has to offer. I have moved to the incredible city of Seattle and still find myself bored and miserable when I live in such an incredible place! 

4. Be Social. Don't be afraid to meet people. I had a terrible time trying to make friends at school, a lot of people were complete jerks to me. The best advice I can give to that is to keep trying, not everyone is a terrible human being and once you have a good group of friends, make sure you work on your friendships, being able to have someone to talk to and lean on is a major plus because college is tough and it'll make it that much easier if you don't have to go it alone.

5. Diet. One thing that makes a huge difference in your energy and school performance is what you eat. Now it is really easy to junk out when cafeterias tend to have such terrible food, but it is soooo important to make sure you are getting a good amount of nutrition. If you eat good food, you will feel good as well.

ALSO check out my friend's new blog!
She has a kitten so we know she is ok. And that kitten is adorable so yeah she is definitely ok.

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Twenty One Pilots

I am extremely fortunate to have friends with great music taste. Recently my friend Taylor and her mother visited me at my grandma's and she mentioned a concert that she was interested in. She said I should check out their music and LO AND BEHOLD IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST LISTEN.

So we are officially attending the Twenty One Pilots concert in November :). I could go on and on about all the things I love about their music, the drummer, Josh Dun, can hit the drums astonishingly hard while creating such an incredible combination of sounds to create a gorgeous rhythm. The energy they bring to their music is extremely prominent in their every song and every performance and I am so so so excited to see them live. I made this thing that I like and some other people like it too and this makes me happy:

Scenes taken from "Holding On To You" Music Video

Another thing I absolutely an enamored by is their quirk. They are just so genuinely weird in such a beautiful way that I can't help but love their music that much more. They discuss how joy is different than happiness and that you can still be depressed and experience joy, from a psychological perspective that doesn't really make sense to me based off the meaning of depression, but nonetheless I do think that we can be very sad about something, inescapably temporarily sad, but still experience joy through family and friends while going through a hard time. Also I found this explanation of the band name completely fascinating and just beautiful in a weird way. Taken from the Twenty One Pilots official website.

"Ok so, I (Tyler) was in theatre class and we were studying a play called "All My Sons" written by Arthur Miller in the 40's. It was about a father who ran a company that provided parts for airplanes used in WWII. He then found out that his parts were faulty, so he comes to a moral crossroads:1. He can take the parts back and not send them out, but he will lose a lot of money in a financially tough situation. He would also taint his business and his name and be known as 'unreliable' in his trade. But this would ultimately be the 'right' thing to do. or,2. send the parts out, make the necessary money to provide for his family, not taint his name, etc. He ends up sending the parts out and twenty one pilots died because of it. His son was a pilot in the war who had lost his life. There was no evidence to prove that it was directly related but his daughter blamed her father for her brothers death. He ended up committing suicide at the end of the play. Here's how we make it relevant: I feel like we are all constantly encountering moral crossroads where the decisions that benefit the "now" will have consequences down the road; but the decision that might seem tough and tolling right away will ultimately be more rewarding. What is our purpose for playing music? We are constantly asking ourselves that question. The answer can change all the time, but for right now we are just going to stick with something as simple as 'we want to make people think.'"

I am very excited to see them live and I will be totally prepared to front row this one. Below is another one of my favorite songs of theirs along with the other million I love :)

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We've turned our hands to guns, trade in our thumbs for ammunition,
I must forewarn you, of my disorder, or my condition,
'Cause when the sun sets, it upsets what's left of my invested interest,
Interested in putting my fingers to my head,
The solution is, I see a whole room of these mutant kids,
Fused at the wrist, I simply tell them they should shoot at this,
Simply suggest my chest and this confused music, it's,
Obviously best for them to turn their guns to a fist.