Just Lying in Bed Thinking

So I try and be brave and not terrified of things people are usually terrified about but there is one thing that I cannot escape from. I mean I am pretty good at not being terrified. In general, I do not fear death because once it happens it happens and there is no need to fear something that you don't really have any evidence to judge. I don't fear heights. I don't fear love. I don't fear growing up.

But one thing that absolutely terrifies me is being old. Now I don't care if my youth fades. I know I will have to bury friends and family and that doesn't necessarily scare me just makes me sad. But the state of being old makes my heart pound, my skin gets goosebumps, I literally start sobbing as I am now. One reason why I might be all of the sudden taken by these thoughts is that I haven't spoken or hung out with anyone remotely my age for over a month and my only company is my, now 91 year old, grandmother. And another reason why I might be terrified is that I have to take care of her alone. I don't mind the duties, I love cooking and cleaning and bringing her water and watching football with her but I don't like to be the only other person here. Because then I have to talk to her often, I have to look at her often, I have to make sure she is alive every morning. This feeling of imminence is looming over me and I try not to let it suffocate me but it still utterly terrifies me.

Just the stale look in her cloudy eyes in which used to contain a beautiful shade that are confused by the simplest concepts because she isn't the sharp chemist she used to be. Just the look of loneliest even when she is surrounded by people. The look of a lack of presence because her time is past. I hate having to answer questions over and over and over again because her memory has such a small capacity now that it can only save the most precious memories. I am completely paralyzed by the thought of not being one hundred percent in the world but still being physically present. I am terrified about not being able to see or hear properly. I don't want my grandchildren to look strange to me just because my glasses are out of date. Or not recognizing my husbands voice because I don't have a hearing aide in.  

I really wish I didn't feel this way. I love my grandma so much. I am just happy people are coming over tomorrow so I won't have to be alone and she will have other people to talk to.

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Reason to Love

This will be yet another Our Last Night post. On my way back to my grandma's on the train I discovered this gem of a song (posted at the end). The song is just describing the hopeless feeling after heart break which I have recently experienced. Yes, of course, I was completely devastated and after weeks of reflection on what my relationship really was, a bit angry. I felt like I had wasted my time fighting with someone trying to make something work that really was never going to. Luckily, I had my family and friends "prove to me that love is more than just a tragic catastrophe," (Reason to Love, Our Last Night). I have so many incredible adventures with SO MANY incredible people who have taught me so much about myself, the world around me, and what love really is about! Below is more review of the actual song and band.

 

I am trying to figure out why I love this band so much. I love how Matt Wentworth's (dark haired singer and guitarist) voice is perfectly pitched and incredibly beautiful and his brother Trevor Wentworth's (longer, lighter hair and singer) has more of a rough, convicting voice. Also, on top of that, there voices have similar tones because they are brothers. And ALSO, the guitar, bass, and drum player definitely know there stuff and create such a good flow of music. Needless to say, I am so excited to see them live in November! I have heard tons and tons of people say that they are amazing live. Below is the video for the acoustic version of "Reason to Love" by Our Last Night of course.

Currently watching the first Harry Potter movie with my grandma and Hunter the cat, this night could not get any better.

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Crab Pot Bounty

Today my mom and I set out the crab pot rigged with a frozen turkey leg in the hopes of capturing some dungeness crabs. When we first brought the pot up there was no luck, but thankfully, a neighbor in a nearby boat said that in order to attract any crabs we would have to use smashed up clams instead, which he so graciously supplied. When we pulled it up a second time, much to our surprise, there were 8 crabs! One nuzzled their way out right before we brought the pot in the boat but I could tell he/she would have been far to small to keep. 

In Washington State, in order to keep and eat the crabs you catch they mush be male and the shell must be 6 and 1/4 inches across. Out of the seven we had left, 4 were keepers! Now personally I am not a fan of any kind of shellfish but just the feeling of catching something was an award in itself. 

To be completely honest, I think crabs are super creepy and just being in the same boat of a pot full of them makes my heart pound and my skin get goosebumps. The worst torture would be putting me in a small space with a crab. Hunter (the cat) agrees. He inspected the bucket full that was on our back porch and decided that he was in no mood for sushi.

Later my mom cooked them up and I cleaned them and they are all ready for eating tonight! A bunch of family is coming over to the cabin to visit before my parents leave. I am making some homemade pasta for everyone and my mom already made some homemade rhubarb pie (which we may have accidentally had a small taste of this morning..). The weather is perfect and I don't think I am quite ready to say goodbye to my parents yet. But I can enjoy their company as much as possible until then!

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Busy Busy Busy Bee

Welp I have kind of been all of the place these last few weeks. This last week I have been at my aunt's house in South King County working. They have been planning a funeral for my uncle's mother so I came down to clean and take care of the house while they were making arrangements. I went to the ceremony yesterday and it was so nice, a lot of people showed up and even though I never knew her, I could tell she was quite an amazing person.

After the funeral I went back up to the beach cabin to hang out with my mom and dad for the last weekend before they head back down to California for the year. It has been so nice to see my dad while he is up here. Last night we got to stay up and make a fire out on the beach and later discovered bioluminescent bacteria on the tide flat. Pretty much means the ground glows when you step on it and it pretty much feels like you are in the movie Avatar. But I am so thankful that I got this time with both of my parents before school starts. It is also really nice to see my dad on vacation, he works so hard to put me through school and he is such an incredible person.

All this time I have pretty much just been doing odd jobs for family while relaxing for vacation. I am saving up for a trip to Canada that will happen in November. All that needs to happen is me getting my passport (the only thing left in the process is working more so I will be able to afford a passport) and then off to Victoria!

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Banana Muffins

MMMMM 

We had tons of bananas here, far too many to eat before they went bad so we made banana muffins. Personally, bananas are my favorite fruit and also my mom's least favorite food, she can barely even stomach the smell so I was very surprised when she asked me to bake these muffins.

They tasted absolutely delicious and I now have my first recipe for my recipe stash. Below is my first go at a GIF! (all pronunciations are welcome). I am super excited that I made something really good, my mom and aunt are teaching me how to bake and cook to prepare me for real life haha.

Here is the link to the recipe and I would suggest adding 1 to 1&1/2 cups of chopped walnuts or pecans for added texture and flavor.

Enjoy!

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Blackberry Picking!

Today whilst sitting on my bed, tortured with the boredom of being probably the only person under 50 in the 20 mile radius surrounding me, I figured I would go pick some blackberries!

Just the other night, I was walking with my mom and on the way back we ran into a full grown female deer and she walking right up to me (well about 5 feet away from me) and I think if I had an apple she definitely would have come eaten out of my hand. Instead I picked some nearby berries and threw them to her and she chomped them up. The berries were super ripe so I figured I would use my spare time to go and try and pick enough for a pie! 

The beautiful berries themselves.

If you look close enough you can see the millions of tiny splinters in my fingers. SO WORTH IT THOUGH.

My beautiful bounty of berries.

I love the connection you get to your food through gathering it yourself. It feels as though you have really earned your beautiful dessert especially when blood and sweat is shed (are shed?). My english teacher aunt is visiting so I am suddenly hyper-aware of my terrible grammar. Tomorrow we are baking the pie for a few friends as a gift and I am so excited for them to enjoy it!

Also Panic! at the Disco is coming out with a new CD in October and I am beyond excited! Here is one of their early releases and when they go on tour you know who will be first in line for tickets (this girl)!

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Running

Warning, this is simply something that has been on my mind and is more of a look back for myself that I feel like writing about.

As a couple of you may know I am a bit of a runner (well used to be). It has been awhile since I had, what I would consider, a good, solid run. I used to be able to stack up miles like no tomorrow, 5, 10, 20 miles in one go. Now I start breathing hard after going up a flight of stairs. When I was a Freshman and Sophomore in high school I did cross country and distance track. Now, I was no varsity runner but I was a scoring runner for the Freshman then Sophomore teams (top five finisher for the team meaning, cross country wise, you bring in the points for the overall score). If I do remember correctly my 3 mile PR was 21:35 and my mile PR for track was 6:02, both achieved my sophomore year (freshman was 22:45 and 6:22 I believe). 

I was in incredible shape and super dedicated to my training. I did have two injuries from running, tendinitis in my ankle and some issues with my hip (ended up being both hips later on). My ankle healed up perfectly my freshman year but unfortunately my hip issues sophomore year still follow me today. The doctor described it as a hereditary issue that was triggered when I did the training for cross country. I  was treated on my left hip (the worse one) with ultrasounds to speed cell growth and physical therapy. The hip pains were the worst I have felt in my life and I have had some pretty bad injuries (broken leg and arm, sprained ankles, ect.). When I ran my hip felt uncomfortable, but the pain was the next day. The longer the run the worst, it got so bad that the few days after our long runs I would not be able to walk, especially because both hips were having the same issues.

I am talking about this now because I miss the thrill of running! I miss having my heart pound in my chest as I cross the finish line or get to the top of a massive hill. The yoga just ain't doing it for me and I am also a bit terrible at it. So, I am starting to ease my way back into training. I'm not afraid of my injury resurfacing because as long as I ease in and take care of myself I think I should be fine. I am starting by walking every night a few miles. I make sure I get some hills in and keep a fast pace and in a week or two I'll start jogging it and so on. And yes, I will continue the yoga *sigh* because I know it'll help stretch out my hips.

After the Huntington Beach Surf City Half Marathon I ran my Junior year (time 2:04).

Before, Women's Dirt Inspires Trail Half Marathon my senior year (time 2:43). Not my best but this race was truly the most fun race I have ever ran, beautiful trails through the national park near Santa Cruz. Also got to run it with my lovely older sister Francis.

After the race with our mom.

Now time to saddle up and actually break these puppies in, they definitely do not have nearly as much mud on them as they should! Soon I shall be running up and down the west coast instead of driving! Also a friend of mine invited me to run a half with her in December, if everything goes according to plan, those elites better watch out! 

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And Back Again!

Home sweet home!

As of today, I am back in Washington! Although I am slightly delirious from a 15 hour trip on the road (3:30AM to 6:30PM) I am still ecstatic to be here. My grandma's cabin on Whidbey Island will by my home for the next month and a half until school starts. The weather is perfect and the tide is just rolling in now. I still have a lot of things to take care of (first and foremost, getting a job on the island for the rest of summer or commuting an hour and a half to my job at the sandwich shop in downtown Seattle) and also care for my grandma and her house. I am just happy to be living in paradise for a few weeks.

I am surprised at how much summer I have left. The past month has been quite hectic (in a good way) and I have been all over southern California and have driven to Washington and back helping a couple different friends move. I have had such an unexpected summer and it has been such a blessing to get so much time with people I don't see often. And even now my adventures have not ceased!

But for now, I am happy just relaxing :)

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Dad's Birthday Dinner

Yesterday my mom and I both spent the entire day in the kitchen. Now, I don't know how to cook necessarily but I can follow recipes and I am getting better at eye-balling it and such. But I was not prepared for what we did yesterday. I started peeling the stems off of basil and spinach at 11am for the homemade pasta we decided to make. From then on it was cooking all day. It was a very cool experience overall. It was also exhausting. Having a genuinely home cooked meal is a pretty special deal and takes a lot of time and effort.

Homemade spinach, basil fettuccine in alfredo sauce (recipe here) we also added in chicken, carrots, and mushrooms after this picture was taken.

My beautiful little pastas, so much blood sweat and tears. But next time it'll be much easier now that I am more seasoned at it (seasoned hehe).

And to finish off a perfect dinner, my mom made a delicious mint chip ice cream brownie cake with Andes mints and fudge.

All in all it was an absolutely delicious dinner and dessert and even more so a beautiful evening spent with family and friends. I was so happy to make my dad that delicious dinner. He is a year older, but he still has a long way to go. 

When I was finishing up high school he had just gotten a job in San Diego. He lives there during the week and comes home every weekend, I never knew how important he was until he was barely there, doing what he has to do for our family. Just his presence in the house makes everything so much better. Now that I pretty much live in Washington, maybe when he retires he will move up! I can dream.

~~~

Happy Birthday Dad!

On Being Thankful

Announcement, I am switching the domain name to lookingforseattle instead of primeofmytime in the next few days because it makes sense and that domain just became available. Please prepare accordingly, it will be changed in 5-7 days (I'm not the most consistent when it comes to blogging).

Late last night I was doing the usual and sifting through the internet for anything of interest, when randomly, I remembered this email a close friend of mine sent me in high school. Well, kind of random, I have been meaning to try and find it for awhile, I just remembered last night. And lo and behold, I still have it saved in my gmail. Rereading it brought tears to my eyes, and now a days that seems to be a rarity. I looked at the time and he had sent it at 3 in the morning... 

Looking back at that time in my life, it probably didn't seem like that big of a deal, just felt like something sweet and dear but it actually helped me through a very difficult chapter of my life. To know that someone was watching over me and taking care of me from afar makes me so thankful for all of my distant brothers and sisters that stay up late at night praying for me. 

And even though I did some solidly stupid things during those few pages, would I have made it through without them? 

I wish I had thanked him more profusely, I wish I had taken his words deeper to heart and believed in myself as much as everyone else did. But I know that with every mistake there is a learning curve. And yes, sometimes I wish there was some way to cover up different things that happened in my life, different things that I did. I feel like I am hiding things from everyone but I guess that doesn't really matter. I have been healed of those things.

This was quite the ramble, just some thoughts that have been passing through my mind. I am just so grateful for each and every person in my family (related and extended) for being there for me and I hope they know that I am always here when they need me.

Little Dragon - Twice

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Summer of Covers

One band that I have been following a little this summer Our Last Night. I posted their cover of "Stay" earlier this month and have been listening to it shamelessly nonstop. They have been doing this Summer of Covers deal where they cover well-known pop songs and mix it with their own style. 

So, I have been pondering (yes pondering) about different covers that I have come through the past few years and they all have something in common, authenticity. To me, covers only sound admirable if the artist doing the cover sticks with their original style, otherwise it sounds fake. Many people try to sound like someone else, try to look like someone else, try to act like someone else yet there is only value in the authentic (the only point of Sarte's philosophy that made sense to me).

Without further adieu here are some of my favorite covers by some of my favorite artists

Our Last Night - Mirrors (Justin Timberlake)

Marina and the Diamonds - Boyfriend (Justin Bieber)

Birdy - Skinny Love (Bon Iver)

Yael Naim - Toxic (Britney Spears)

Ed Sheeran/Passenger - No Diggity/Thrift Shop (Blackstreet/Macklemore and Ryan Lewis)

I hope you enjoyed these nuggets. Personally I enjoy all of these covers much more than the originals. I  apologize for the plethora of links I have just been spending too much time thinking about covers in general, so this should ease my frontal lobe.

~~~

"I like the way you work it, no diggity."

Review: The Hobbit

Since I have been on so many planes this summer, I have managed to finish the book! This will prove to be a thoroughly nerdy post. Please prepare accordingly.

As a huge fan of the movie trilogy directed by Mr. Peter Jackson, I was psyched to here he was creating a film out of The Hobbit. Now many people believe that you should try and read books previous to seeing the movies, yet mi amigo pointed out something that made much more sense. People who read books before watching the movies tend to be disappointed at the short-comings of detail (which occurs naturally due to the difference in possible lengths for each) BUT if you see the movie first you will be impressed with the movie, THEN you read the book and you are even more impressed with the new knowledge of all the extra details (given that both are well made in the case of The Hobbit, yes, opinion, I know). 

I thought the movie was incredible. I heard complaints about the frames/second (I have little to no knowledge of what that entails) but I thought the picture looked solid. Also I heard complaints about the amount of singing in the movie. At first I enjoyed the singing a lot, then I read the book and saw that they are singing constantly in it and people were being ridiculous and just need to enjoy it (music will be posted below). 

This post is mainly to discuss the book though. I thought they did a wonderful job creating a film corresponding to the first third of the book. They did change quite a bit regarding major plot points. (This next section constitutes as spoilers, be warned). First of all, there is no such thing as the white orc in the book. Thorin's father and grandfather were not killed by this white orc, his father is actually imprisoned by the Necromancer. But I assume that this plot point in the movie will be used to create an epic and dramatic scene during the battle (which will probably be the entire last movie) between Thorin son of Thrain and Azog the white orc. Also Thorin is not nearly as broody in the books, he is much more light hearted and dwarvish than portrayed in the movies. I think this was smart direction to go in for the film because of the added plot points that give reason for Thorin to be so angsty. A second one being the rift between the wood elves and the dwarves of The Lonely Mountain. Apparently they created this idea from vague notes made in the encyclopedias. But there is no mention of any bad feels between Thorin and the wood elves (until mid book when they hold them prisoners for hanging out in Mirkwood). One more difference that I want to point out is the minutivity (made that one up..) of the Necromancer story line. As the beginnings of it appear in the first movie, it seems to hold a lot of weight in the plot. In the book, Gandalf merely mentions that he had a counsel with the White Wizards in the south and drove him more east so evils in the forest should subside. In the film, it is obvious that it will take up quite a few scenes and I predict that there will be quite the battle between Radagast and the Necromancer but we shall see.

The book was one of my favorite reads in a long time and my embarrassing emotional attachment to The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy just made it all the more beautiful. I could go on and on but instead I will post a few videos that portray what I believe to be, the heart of the movie.

"The Pity of Bilbo"

dar8tb comments, "same music plays in LOTR when Frodo voices his regrets and gandalf says "so do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." Its a quote about conquering evil with one simple act of courage. Here, it not only carries on that idea to the movie, but also that by sparing gollum, one act of courage, Bilbo saves Middle Earth by letting Gollum live, who stops Frodo from screwing up the mission on Mount Doom."

I am definitely going to be checking that out the next time I revisit the series. I also love the music that plays over because it reminds me of who Bilbo used to be, a comfortable hobbit that lives quietly in his hole. And it also reminds the audience that he isn't a cold killer, he is just a mere hobbit on a wild journey.

"Misty Mountains Orchestral Cover"

"Misty Mountains Cold" (original)

Just a brief note, the way they sang with the hint of the dwarvish accents was perfect. And I am pretty sure I teared up a little bit too much during this part of the movie. *sigh*

I could go on, but I shall stop now, expect reviews of the next movies and expect them to be quite lengthy, for this journey has just begun my friends.

~~~

"There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Summer Camp

So I have recently returned from a summer camp trip in Washington, WHICH WAS THE BEST. I got to see all of my friends from far away places, and a few from not so far away places. I got to hold so many babies (see picture below), which, happens to be one of my favorite things to do. I got to fellowship, pray, and sing with all my girls and everything about it was perfect.

Now I am home in California for a bit. I was very sad to leave Washington and all of my friends there but while I am home for this next month I am getting in as much beach and family as I can, while I can. Overall my trip just reminded me of how blessed I am to know such incredible people and to be able to call these people my greatest friends. Being able to hold little Kayla (above picture) and little Charlie (I'll have a picture up for her too) just reminded me of the preciousness of life. This sounds bland, but it was truly an amazing trip.

Also one of my friends posted this gem and I wanted to share

One thing that I learned at camp is that we all have so much to be happy about. And just because one, two, three things in your life suck doesn't outweigh the hundreds of things in your life that are good. From now on, I am making it a point to smile more, and to outwardly show my happiness. The sun keeps shining and so will I.

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On the End of the Year

More Like Post-End of the Year

I have been home for just over a week now and have pretty mixed feelings about it. Not gonna lie, I miss Seattle a lot and this morning it is cloudy and wet here in California and it makes me happy. But then again, I am exstatic to be home. I do have an opportunity to go to washington for the next three weeks and stay with friends and my grandma AND possibly go to summer camp, but I need to stay and continue to look for a job and be with my family. So I will probably miss out on camp counseling this year but that will be ok.

Finals were painful and I gained about 10 pounds in the last two weeks.. I almost decided not to even write my PSYC paper because the prompt was disgustingly difficult and disproportional to the level of the class. Also I was fairly checked out the second half of the quarter and just ready for summer/time off with my family. So I ended up with straight B+'s all across which is fine but I could have done better. And as far as the weight I have decided to not be upset about it and still love my body, yes I am working out and working to be healthy now that I am home but I refuse to put myself down.

I have already gotten a sunburn on my back unfortunately but I am slightly tanner already (not saying much since I am paper white ha). But the beach is just as beautiful as I left it. Also I have already hung out with a few friends from high school and across the board everyone is doing really well and enjoyed their first year of college.

My year in summary goes as follows: A rough start but then I met Aubrey and Izzy. Thats pretty much the best thing I can think of. Sadly Aubrey is leaving us for CSU next year but I wish her very well in her endeavors and Izzy is my roommate next year so I am beyond excited for that!

I apologize for not having one cool thing to talk about, I have been in summer mode so my memory is shotty. But I shall have many interesting posts to come! 

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