The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

I recently saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty with my parents and it was quite incredible. I will say, from the perspective of myself, that it was one of the most incredible movies I have ever seen. I was on the verge of tears the entire move and cried myself to sleep that night in awe. People on the internet say that the characters lack development and the story is missing the meat but I disagree extremely strongly.

Maybe that is because I am easily inspired and easily impressed by things like this. The softer focus made it appear dream like and I felt like I didn't want to wake up. It also inspires me because I know I am blossoming into the person I want to be, just like Walter did. I am going out and hiking throughout Washington and have a trip to Alaska planned. I cannot wait to see these beautiful places and go these places with beautiful people. And a new goal of mine, backpacking in Iceland. I could go on about this movie for a really long time, but truth is I really don't even know how to word my feelings about it. It was adorable, inspiring, courageous, beautiful, and so many more things.

I would highly highly recommend this movie to everyone, I plan on seeing it again very soon, I do wish it was showing in IMAX though, my one complaint. Ever since the trailer came out I have been waiting to see this and it did not disappoint my expectations in any way. I know this won't be the best movie to everyone, but it is to me. Also, its surprisingly hilarious and I have never laughed that loud at a movie, just saying. Below is Dirty Paws by Of Monsters and Men, featured in the trailer and movie. Just another thing that inspires me.

~~~

"To see the world, 

things dangerous to come to, 

to see behind walls, 

draw closer,

 to find each other and to feel. 

That is the purpose of life."

--The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (Life Magazine)

Winter Break and New Year's Resolutions!

It has been quite a relaxing winter break, being back in the California with no work or school. But at the same time I feel this bittersweetness of being home and also of finishing the year off. This has probably been the year of my "turning point" into adulthood. I struggled with identity and went through some hard times coming out on top having conquered quite a bit of depression and anxiety. After this year I feel the most myself, the most me, and boy, does that feel good. I gained and then lost my "Freshman Fifteen" and I feel more healthy than ever. I stopped eating meat and I have more energy than ever and I feel so much more alive. I have had the amazing opportunity to see some incredible bands live and music has really become a thing that I enjoy so much. I have made new friends in Seattle and have started building these incredible relationships with a few incredible people who I really admire and inspire me so much.

All in all I am so proud of who I have become and everything I have conquered and I am SO PUMPED for this upcoming year, I know it will be full of laughter and late night study nights and hikes into the Washington wild and friendship and love and so much of everything.

One of my friends said the following (quite beautifully might I add), "I'm having this realization that my entire life up until now was just fluff, just filler. Sure, I learned and grew up and made friends but it was all for what's happening now. Now, I'm living somewhere I love where I can go out and just breathe in the beauty of nature. I'm studying something that I have such a strong passion for and I am surrounded by people with that same passion. I've made friends that make me feel more appreciated and loved than I ever have. I have a kitten who doesn't seem like much and is a total asshole but who comforts me and keeps me company when I need it most. I have a family who I love with my whole being. I am becoming a better person, with a whole new inspiration burning inside of me that I've never let come to the surface before. I am so thankful for this past year, 2013 was the hardest year of my life, but also the most important. 2014 has so much in store for me, I can't wait."

We are all growing up, now everything means more, its harder, but everything is so much more important to me now, my relationships, my studies, my family. It's like someone has turned on a light and I see everything with clarity now.

And looking forward to this next year, here are a few of my Resolutions for 2014 :) (They start off simple and stupid but that is because it took me longer to think out the really important ones)

1. NO SODA
2. Teach myself how to sing
3. Teach myself to draw (summer class?)
4. Get into my Word more, learn more about my religion and spirituality
5.Work a few more hours and buy myself nice things (aka concert tickets and trips)
6. PROMOTE AND PRACTICE SELF LOVE, SELF ACTUALIZATION, AND SELF CONFIDENCE
7. Continue to not let work and anxiety stop me from doing things that I love/want to do
8. Seek nature, love nature, and nurture nature
9. Travel a bit more, see new places and meet new people
10. Build on my current friendships and appreciate people more and be more grateful for these people.

I hope you all have amazing holiday breaks and lets all look forward to an incredible incoming year!

~~~

Winter will be white, Music

Music has been my best friend these past few months. Through all of the stress that is college it has helped me decompress and remember to take a breath or two. I have been extremely fortunate to see some amazing musicians perform this fall and am looking forward to seeing some more during winter quarter. So many good albums have come out this past year and I must share them with you! Also none of this will come as a surprise since I have talked about almost all of these bands in previous posts...

1. Vessel - twenty one pilots

Tyler and Josh totally rocked this album and seeing them live a few weeks ago was just the icing on the cake. Josh is such an incredible drummer and with the combination of that and Tyler's compelling lyrics, the entire album is a must listen to. In concert, their performance was so whole heartily done and more genuine than any show I have been to. It was pretty cool getting to meet Tyler too, it would be weird to say things like, yeah he was a really nice guy because I don't really know anything about him but I can tell he puts everything he has into his music and I can really appreciate that.

2. Oak Island - Our Last Night

Also got to see these guys in concert, so amazing live as well. It was unfortunate that their set only lasted about a half hour and for most of the set we were weaving up to the front and slightly distracted but that didn't stop me from screaming every lyric at the top of my lungs. Their new album is pretty amazing and even though it is quite short with only seven songs, the instrumentals and vocals are beautiful. Matt and Trevor's voices go so well together and even though the lyrics are fairly simple, they always but so much effort into their music and they were way better live than on any of their recorded music.

3. Sempiternal - Bring me the Horizon

This is my most recent new found love, Taylor and I just bought tickets for their show in March. Tay has been looking forward to the day that Bring me the Horizon comes to the States since she was just a teen babe. And honestly, I am so looking forward to this show as well. Before I bought my ticket I had heard a few of their songs but since then I have checked out their most recent album and, boy, is it gold. On youtube they have the full album for our listening joys. I have listened to it a good five or six times through and have appreciated every moment of it. The thing I love about heavier music is the heavier use of bass and more intricate instrument usage in general. It is actually really soothing to me, which might be strange. I plan on taking some time to listen to their older stuff in the near future. Also Oli Sykes (lead singer) just came out with a winter collection and I may or may not blow the bank on it.

4. Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die! - Panic! at the Disco

This is Panic!'s newest album and way different from their many different sounds. The band has undergone quite a few rearrangements of new members and the different sound in the music totally reflects this. This album is much more dance-y than their usual but it totally works with Brendon's voice. They are coming next year and it is sold out but I'm holding out for stubhub prices to drop right before the show (rumor says that that almost always happens, people trying to get rid of their tickets) and since none of them have been selling, I'm confident they will start dropping soon. Been waiting to see them since I was a young babe and if this night comes true it shall be a beautiful night.

Those are the albums I am currently listening to for fall and going into winter, once I find some more gems I won't hesitate to share! I am also so looking forward to Thanksgiving, I get to go up north and visit all of my friends from far away places as well as my friends from not so far away places! Including a few friends I haven't seen in over a year! I have been a bit sick all quarter and this is unfortunate but I am so looking forward to some time off of school, only have classes tomorrow for the rest of the week, oh the joys of the holidays!

~~~

Some people lose themselves at one point or another

and when you find yourself again, you will be a different person, 

everything will be different and that is ok. 

It is ok to be sad and you have every right to feel sad 

but also know that you don't have to feel sad forever, 

that is a burden no one was meant to bare

Our Last Night Concert

Photo taken from Trevor Wentworth's Instagram, I am in this picture somewhere but I'm not even going to try and look..

So this concert definitely happened last Saturday but I have been going very nonstop on life and today is my breathing day! And the concert was quite amazing. It was at Showbox SoDo and it was my first time going there it it was a quite sick venue. Unlike the twenty one pilots concert we decided to go after the doors opened to avoid waiting in a terribly cold line. Despite the fact that we were at probably the very back of the line, we made it up to the second row during Our Last Nights set. I definitely thought I was going to die multiple times, especially when two people elbowed me in the face from either side and my head bent almost completely backwards and I just about broke it, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. 

In short, Our Last Night's set was amazing and they are so incredible live and it was all things good and no things bad. Well bad in one aspect, and that is that it was only a half an hour set. I knew all the words to all of the songs they played and they played all of my favorite songs by them and that was quite nice. I am so holding out for them to play with warped tour.

Also Issues played next and I wasn't quite invested in them but they were also really good live. Got pretty up close with Tyler Carter and that was nice. After being elbowed on every part of our bodies Taylor and I called it quits on the front and chilled in the back for Breathe Carolina and Sleeping with Sirens sets. Kellin Quinn talked way too much, like much more talking than playing which was dumb but this really tall friend we made asked me if I wanted to go on his shoulder, and for the very brief moments I was on his shoulders it was really cool, the best view, especially because he was a good 6'2" at least. Then a security person told me to get down, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

All in all it was a great concert and even though we got quite beaten up it was still so amazing and I look forward to seeing them again in the future. Below are some more photos from the show taken by the wonderful Karen Ready. After the show I found her website and I am so digging her work.

~~~

Many more shows coming up in winter and spring including Panic! and Bring me the Horizon and I plan on going bankrupt buying all of the tickets...

Etty Hillesum

"It is possible to suffer with dignity and without. I mean: most of us in the West don't understand the art of suffering and experience a thousand fears instead. We cease to be alive, being full of fear, bitterness, hatred, and despair. God knows, it's only too easy to understand why. But... I am in Poland every day, on the battlefields, if that is what one can call them. I often see visions of poisonous green smoke; I am with the hungry, with the ill-treated and the dying, every day, but I am also with the jasmine and with that piece of the sky beyond my window; there is room for everything in a single life... I sometimes bow my head under the great burden that weighs down on me, but even as I bow my head I also feel the need, almost mechanically, to fold my hands. And so I can sit for hours and know everything and bear anything and grow stronger in the bearing of it, and at the same time feel sure that life is beautiful and worth living and meaningful. Despite everything."

-- Etty Hillesum, written in Holland one year before her death in Auschwitz, 1942.

I was just reading for my Theology class and this quote really resonated with me. As I grow older I am finding it harder and harder to believe that from all the suck that happens, I grow stronger. I feel like that might be something I tell myself and that other people might see in me, but I always feel the same. I feel so sempiternal. I bet I will start to notice soon, if Etty was alive today I know I would have a huge friend-crush on her.

Something beautiful from this past weekend, Taken at the parliament building in Victoria BC by a good friend of mine, Scott Young.

I tried to make a new playlist but 8tracks won't let me make one with more than two songs by one artist, and the playlist consists of four twenty one pilots songs here it is below with links, it is my fall playlist that I have been nonstop listening to.

1. Oh, Ms. Believer twenty one pilots

2. Kiss Me Ed Sheeran

3. Screen twenty one pilots

4. This is Gospel Panic! at the Disco

5. Addict with a Pen twenty one pilots

6. Vegas Lights Panic! at the Disco

7. Global Concepts Robert DeLong

8. Fake You Out twenty one pilots

~~~

Any Seattleites out there, Robert and Panic! are playing this upcoming January, just saying.

twenty one pilots Concert |-/

Last night was the long awaited twenty one pilots concert. It was everything I hoped it was going to be, nothing more or less but just exactly what I wanted to happen. I am not suffering too greatly from post concert depression and I think it is because I am not obsessed with Tyler and Josh as people I just really really enjoy their music and I can listen to it anywhere but the best part of going to the concert was just being in the same room with so many people that knew all the lyrics and all the claps and all the beats and all the everything.

They were such great performers and the entire show was flawless, the stage setup, the transitions, the talky part, and even when they performed on the crowd (actually on the crowd, we literally help up a drum set for Josh). It was so well done and just everything about it was enjoyable and alive. I am in a really weird mood at the moment and I think that is definitely evident in this post..

Also we got to meet Tyler and one of his friends which was pretty cool. We just introduced ourselves and had a pretty regular conversation, I let him know he had a date with us later in the evening (the concert of course) and, well, the date went really well. And I was one of the only people who brought a mask, which I thought was weird, and when I wore it around before the concert everyone was like, "woah she has one of the masks like the band," and I just was just shakin' my head.

I honestly don't have too much to say, I plan on writing a very lengthy journal entry about the concert later today because well, I am still a teenage girl. And lately I have had the extreme sense of longing, just missing a lot of different people and struggling with trying not to fall into habits that took over me last year. It is so hard to fight something inside yourself. It is so hard for me and I wish it wasn't. But I guess all that matters is that I am fighting and I am confident I can win the battle.

It is so cool to see people achieve their goals but sometimes it is a harsh reminder that I am far away from achieving any of mine, stay strong, carry on, thats just what I gotta do.

Pictures from the concert/before below!

Like I said, we were literally holding Josh up :) Picture taken by Taylor Burmer.

Taylor and I in line for the show 

~~~

Are brains are sick but that's ok.

Same Old War

Our Last Night released their single to promote their new album coming out soon Oak Island with an accompanying music video. As a contributor to the campaign, I was able to get an early download of the song and if the phrase "on repeat" was an adjective it would totally be applicable to this situation.

The song is completely and utterly amazing. What always shocks me about their music is the intricate rhythms that they create with. Maybe they aren't intricate at all but hey, my only relationship to music is enjoyment. The lyrics to most of their songs tend to be simple and built with fairly simple vocabulary but the combination of that and the glorious voices and the instruments and ALL OF THE SKILLS. I am nerding out inside of my head but that doesn't really translate to type. If it could this would be so many pages right now.

I made some GIFs and unfortunately imgflip has started branding things made through their websites, which,,makes sense but takes a slight bit from the short snippets of beauty from this music video.

I love the last shot of the video, it totally stands for the die hard fans that have stuck close despite them getting dropped from their old record label and loosing face. They have so much talent and no one should have given that up. I am ecstatic that their campaign raised enough money for them to keep putting out new music and I am even more psyched to hear the rest of their upcoming album that comes out in just a few weeks! Below is the full music video, please do watch and enjoy.

Quick side note, started dissecting a pig today, his name Oliver Snuggles Olaveson, first name is after a dear friend who seeks to adopt a teacup pig one day.

~~~

Also had the absolute pleasure of visiting my grandma's with these lovely ladies. Twas quite the lovely outing that included a short hike and a homemade dinner. Evidence below! Can't wait till she comes back in spring so we can get some sun is as well.

Still Hanging in There

A week and a half into school and I have only had one panic attack! (actually good news). School is extremely overwhelming and I often find myself anxious to the point where I can't focus. Multiple times in the middle of class I lose the ability to comprehend. Better news is that I am starting to finally get ahold of things. A huge and amazing outlet I have begun to use is drawing. I am not much of an artist, I don't really understand shapes or shading or any sort of color scale, but I do love to draw. Almost every day since school started I have had to come back to my room, blast music and drone out all outside sounds and just draw. And after about the hour or so of this all of the knots inside my organs have unknotted. 

Being anxious is something I am used to, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but I would also like it to not be there. I am working through it and trying my best to get a grip on myself. I could sum up college in one word it would be "overwhelming" but the rest of life will probably be like that as well.

In way better news, everything has been quite amazing. I finally purchased the album Vessel and now it is on repeat. The weather has been super incredible and I have been able to get some good runs in especially thanks to the new tunes.

Here is something I drew the other day:
I don't have a scanner so I had to take a picture of it and it is also edited a little bit because I felt like playing around with it a bit, idea comes from Migraine by twenty one pilots of course.

Just the idea of having to stop thinking for a moment in order to stay sane one hundred percent relates to my recent episodes of anxiety. I just have to calm down an realize that everything is actually ok and will be, realize that the world isn't actually falling down around me.

I have a ton more drawings that I will post eventually, it isn't necessarily a drawing, more of words and corresponding pictures that relay some of my ideas. 

~~~

Let it be said what the headache represents

It's me defending in suspense

It's me suspended in a defenseless

test being tested by a ruthless examinant

that's represented best by my depress...ing thoughts

Migraine

First Week of School

Yay I am still alive! So much has happened in this first week and I am excited about ALL OF IT. It was extremely exhausting but, I am very happy with my classes, all of my professors seem like very good teachers and the classes interesting. It will be way more work than last year but that is to be expected as my journey continues in the college experience. Also, my PSYC teacher is the most adorable person ever and I like that a lot.

Social wise, I happen to be following my own advice! My roommates and I have bonded further and our last minute forth addition is awesome and is weird like us too. Last night we had quite the intense game of catch phrase and watched House and the End of the Street with our neighbors. Everyone saw my true weird side through my competitive outlet, so prayer circle that I still have friends after that :) And today we are hitting up the shopping downtown for fun. I made some new friends that are awesome and it has been ten times easier than last year.

Also still on my Twenty One Pilots high, so enjoy these things that are below:

Photo by Brad Heaton

And a sweet, sweet mother son song by Twenty One Pilots:

Short post but I will definitely have more to say soon.

~~~

My College Advice

My brother happens to be moving away to school, now he is older but hasn't really lived away from home yet. As he transitions from community college to the prestigious UCSD, my parents have asked me to put together a list of things to remember while living away from home for the first time. I thought it would be such a shame to impart my wisdom on just him, so I thought I should make a post about it.

First of all, I was no where near ready to move away from home when I did, I had an extremely hard time transitioning into college life and I still don't have everything figured out. I did learn quite a lot and I am very excited to start another year at Seattle University. Here are a few quick tips to help the move!

1. Time Management. A term that can be used for pretty much every aspect of mental health and social life at college. Remember to take time for yourself, take an hour or so every day to sit and browse the internet, listen to music, watch TV, exercise, or read a book to detox a bit. But also remember not to spend too much time by yourself (a mistake my lonely self made) because it creates a lack of stimulation and makes life kind of boring and miserable when it doesn't have to be like that.

2. SLEEP CYCLE. Probably the most important thing, creating a sleep cycle. You will be healthier and less prone to catching colds and all the fun things that living in the dorms have to offer. Even if you are going to bed every night at 2 in the morning and waking up at noon, that is still way better than having no sleep cycle at all.

3. Activities. Get involved. Something I was also terrible at. And something that I still need to work on, but this year I already have some trips and concerts planned and I intend on going on a bunch of hikes with a school program and just doing more fun things. A lot of people go to new areas to go to school and you might as well take advantage of learning a new city and seeing all that it has to offer. I have moved to the incredible city of Seattle and still find myself bored and miserable when I live in such an incredible place! 

4. Be Social. Don't be afraid to meet people. I had a terrible time trying to make friends at school, a lot of people were complete jerks to me. The best advice I can give to that is to keep trying, not everyone is a terrible human being and once you have a good group of friends, make sure you work on your friendships, being able to have someone to talk to and lean on is a major plus because college is tough and it'll make it that much easier if you don't have to go it alone.

5. Diet. One thing that makes a huge difference in your energy and school performance is what you eat. Now it is really easy to junk out when cafeterias tend to have such terrible food, but it is soooo important to make sure you are getting a good amount of nutrition. If you eat good food, you will feel good as well.

ALSO check out my friend's new blog!
She has a kitten so we know she is ok. And that kitten is adorable so yeah she is definitely ok.

~~~

Twenty One Pilots

I am extremely fortunate to have friends with great music taste. Recently my friend Taylor and her mother visited me at my grandma's and she mentioned a concert that she was interested in. She said I should check out their music and LO AND BEHOLD IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST LISTEN.

So we are officially attending the Twenty One Pilots concert in November :). I could go on and on about all the things I love about their music, the drummer, Josh Dun, can hit the drums astonishingly hard while creating such an incredible combination of sounds to create a gorgeous rhythm. The energy they bring to their music is extremely prominent in their every song and every performance and I am so so so excited to see them live. I made this thing that I like and some other people like it too and this makes me happy:

Scenes taken from "Holding On To You" Music Video

Another thing I absolutely an enamored by is their quirk. They are just so genuinely weird in such a beautiful way that I can't help but love their music that much more. They discuss how joy is different than happiness and that you can still be depressed and experience joy, from a psychological perspective that doesn't really make sense to me based off the meaning of depression, but nonetheless I do think that we can be very sad about something, inescapably temporarily sad, but still experience joy through family and friends while going through a hard time. Also I found this explanation of the band name completely fascinating and just beautiful in a weird way. Taken from the Twenty One Pilots official website.

"Ok so, I (Tyler) was in theatre class and we were studying a play called "All My Sons" written by Arthur Miller in the 40's. It was about a father who ran a company that provided parts for airplanes used in WWII. He then found out that his parts were faulty, so he comes to a moral crossroads:1. He can take the parts back and not send them out, but he will lose a lot of money in a financially tough situation. He would also taint his business and his name and be known as 'unreliable' in his trade. But this would ultimately be the 'right' thing to do. or,2. send the parts out, make the necessary money to provide for his family, not taint his name, etc. He ends up sending the parts out and twenty one pilots died because of it. His son was a pilot in the war who had lost his life. There was no evidence to prove that it was directly related but his daughter blamed her father for her brothers death. He ended up committing suicide at the end of the play. Here's how we make it relevant: I feel like we are all constantly encountering moral crossroads where the decisions that benefit the "now" will have consequences down the road; but the decision that might seem tough and tolling right away will ultimately be more rewarding. What is our purpose for playing music? We are constantly asking ourselves that question. The answer can change all the time, but for right now we are just going to stick with something as simple as 'we want to make people think.'"

I am very excited to see them live and I will be totally prepared to front row this one. Below is another one of my favorite songs of theirs along with the other million I love :)

~~~

We've turned our hands to guns, trade in our thumbs for ammunition,
I must forewarn you, of my disorder, or my condition,
'Cause when the sun sets, it upsets what's left of my invested interest,
Interested in putting my fingers to my head,
The solution is, I see a whole room of these mutant kids,
Fused at the wrist, I simply tell them they should shoot at this,
Simply suggest my chest and this confused music, it's,
Obviously best for them to turn their guns to a fist.

Review: The Fault in Our Stars

I laughed, I cried (a lot), and most of all, I enjoyed. Now it was a phenomenal novel and I would recommend this in a heartbeat but I think I loved in particular because I love John Green's writing so much. I mean MY BLOG IS KIND OF NAMED AFTER ONE OF HIS BOOKS (Looking for Alaska, READ IT).

Most of all this book made me realize a lot of things, and, for one, I have no right to pity. I happen to be a naturally sad person, and I don't think this is a bad think at all I actually like that that is how I am. I instantly need to care for people who need me (heck of a lot of trouble that has gotten me in) but its not like I consider myself a "caring" person. I feel selfish because I have to care for people in order to live with myself. Its like its something I have to do for myself and I have no right to feel good when I do good. Like I don't want people to think I am a nice person, I don't want people to think I am a caring person. Like I just want to be a nurse and I don't want people to think I am a good person because of that. "Oh you want to help people that is so nice, you are so caring and you will be such a good nurse," like no, shut up. I want to be a nurse and I know I will be damn good at it, not because of my personality but because I am intelligent and smart and human. And I feel like non of this is making sense but heck, I am not John Green and ergo my words probably don't make sense but lets be real the only reason I have a blog is because it is my therapy. Yeah, I know, I am selfish. I just want to do what I want in life and I don't want people to have their preconceived notions about who that means I am. Just like everyone sees someone who is sick and has all of these stereotypes already downloaded in their heads. 

Also another concept I kind of understand/learned is the infinity concept. Damn, what a cliché John but it does make sense. And you have to spend you infinities wisely because after a while your infinities will not matter and everything will be oblivion. But, again, damn I seriously need to decide what I want to do with all of my infinities. And I need to find people that want to waste their infinities on me. I don't really have much more to say, I really really enjoyed this book and I am very excited for the movie. Below is a beautiful thing made by this individual with further editing by this individual and it is everything beauty.

Thank you John Green for the amazing book and all of your effort and just everything you have given me, I have been watching you and Hank since the beginning and I am so happy to have been able to learn so much from you both and in turn, I have learned quite a bit about myself.

~~~

Teen Wolf Season 3 *SPOILERS**

So I watched the entire season 3 of Teen Wolf in 24 hours and lets just say, it was all beauty. So of course when this show started the entire world sighed but it has blossomed into quite an amazing show. First of all, I loved the vulnerability of Derek, Lydia, and Styles that was enhanced in this season. I loved the new characters introduced, especially that badass druid that I can't decide if I despise or love. As a huge fan of the Styles, I was pleased with Dylan O'Brien's extremely noticeable increase in talent this season. Also I loved the introduction of a few new species (cough cough BANSHEE) and as soon as my lovely friend wrote an incredible post on the myth of the Banshee I knew what a certain character in the show was. And I just love her so much more now.

I guess I thought I had much more to say about this than I actually am. I JUST LOVE THIS SHOW 110 PERCENT MORE THAN I DID BEFORE AND I AM NOT ASHAMED. The episode right before the finale is probably the most amazing thing ever and is 3/4ths of the gif below and it just has so much sacrifice and love and STYDIA feels going on and even it is just a little is is something and it makes my heart hurt in a good way.

Here is an amazing gif originally posted by teenwof on Tumblr and I just appreciate it so much..

I am super excited for the next season and I have no idea when that is but I just love my summer seasons and I am happy that this show is really amazing now and I hope it'll be around for a long time. I mean not excessively long but I don't think I am ready for it to end any time soon.

Apologies for the extensive fan-girling except I am not sorry. 

~~~

Just Lying in Bed Thinking

So I try and be brave and not terrified of things people are usually terrified about but there is one thing that I cannot escape from. I mean I am pretty good at not being terrified. In general, I do not fear death because once it happens it happens and there is no need to fear something that you don't really have any evidence to judge. I don't fear heights. I don't fear love. I don't fear growing up.

But one thing that absolutely terrifies me is being old. Now I don't care if my youth fades. I know I will have to bury friends and family and that doesn't necessarily scare me just makes me sad. But the state of being old makes my heart pound, my skin gets goosebumps, I literally start sobbing as I am now. One reason why I might be all of the sudden taken by these thoughts is that I haven't spoken or hung out with anyone remotely my age for over a month and my only company is my, now 91 year old, grandmother. And another reason why I might be terrified is that I have to take care of her alone. I don't mind the duties, I love cooking and cleaning and bringing her water and watching football with her but I don't like to be the only other person here. Because then I have to talk to her often, I have to look at her often, I have to make sure she is alive every morning. This feeling of imminence is looming over me and I try not to let it suffocate me but it still utterly terrifies me.

Just the stale look in her cloudy eyes in which used to contain a beautiful shade that are confused by the simplest concepts because she isn't the sharp chemist she used to be. Just the look of loneliest even when she is surrounded by people. The look of a lack of presence because her time is past. I hate having to answer questions over and over and over again because her memory has such a small capacity now that it can only save the most precious memories. I am completely paralyzed by the thought of not being one hundred percent in the world but still being physically present. I am terrified about not being able to see or hear properly. I don't want my grandchildren to look strange to me just because my glasses are out of date. Or not recognizing my husbands voice because I don't have a hearing aide in.  

I really wish I didn't feel this way. I love my grandma so much. I am just happy people are coming over tomorrow so I won't have to be alone and she will have other people to talk to.

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Reason to Love

This will be yet another Our Last Night post. On my way back to my grandma's on the train I discovered this gem of a song (posted at the end). The song is just describing the hopeless feeling after heart break which I have recently experienced. Yes, of course, I was completely devastated and after weeks of reflection on what my relationship really was, a bit angry. I felt like I had wasted my time fighting with someone trying to make something work that really was never going to. Luckily, I had my family and friends "prove to me that love is more than just a tragic catastrophe," (Reason to Love, Our Last Night). I have so many incredible adventures with SO MANY incredible people who have taught me so much about myself, the world around me, and what love really is about! Below is more review of the actual song and band.

 

I am trying to figure out why I love this band so much. I love how Matt Wentworth's (dark haired singer and guitarist) voice is perfectly pitched and incredibly beautiful and his brother Trevor Wentworth's (longer, lighter hair and singer) has more of a rough, convicting voice. Also, on top of that, there voices have similar tones because they are brothers. And ALSO, the guitar, bass, and drum player definitely know there stuff and create such a good flow of music. Needless to say, I am so excited to see them live in November! I have heard tons and tons of people say that they are amazing live. Below is the video for the acoustic version of "Reason to Love" by Our Last Night of course.

Currently watching the first Harry Potter movie with my grandma and Hunter the cat, this night could not get any better.

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So Excited!

Our Last Night is going on tour with Sleeping with Sirens! I have been hoping and hoping that they come to Seattle and LO AND BEHOLD my wish has come true! Saw the tour dates and immediately bought my ticket!  November is already packed with so much fun with the Catching Fire midnight premier, winter camp in Bellingham, trip to Canada, Our Last Night Concert, and I am hoping to get tickets to the 3Oh!3 concert but we shall see. All in all I am super excited for the year to start but I am still reveling in summer and working for my family. I also made a gif-set from the video for their cover of the song Mirrors.

     

 

 

 

 So much to look forward too! And you shall be along the adventure through future posts!

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Crab Pot Bounty

Today my mom and I set out the crab pot rigged with a frozen turkey leg in the hopes of capturing some dungeness crabs. When we first brought the pot up there was no luck, but thankfully, a neighbor in a nearby boat said that in order to attract any crabs we would have to use smashed up clams instead, which he so graciously supplied. When we pulled it up a second time, much to our surprise, there were 8 crabs! One nuzzled their way out right before we brought the pot in the boat but I could tell he/she would have been far to small to keep. 

In Washington State, in order to keep and eat the crabs you catch they mush be male and the shell must be 6 and 1/4 inches across. Out of the seven we had left, 4 were keepers! Now personally I am not a fan of any kind of shellfish but just the feeling of catching something was an award in itself. 

To be completely honest, I think crabs are super creepy and just being in the same boat of a pot full of them makes my heart pound and my skin get goosebumps. The worst torture would be putting me in a small space with a crab. Hunter (the cat) agrees. He inspected the bucket full that was on our back porch and decided that he was in no mood for sushi.

Later my mom cooked them up and I cleaned them and they are all ready for eating tonight! A bunch of family is coming over to the cabin to visit before my parents leave. I am making some homemade pasta for everyone and my mom already made some homemade rhubarb pie (which we may have accidentally had a small taste of this morning..). The weather is perfect and I don't think I am quite ready to say goodbye to my parents yet. But I can enjoy their company as much as possible until then!

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