Just Lying in Bed Thinking

So I try and be brave and not terrified of things people are usually terrified about but there is one thing that I cannot escape from. I mean I am pretty good at not being terrified. In general, I do not fear death because once it happens it happens and there is no need to fear something that you don't really have any evidence to judge. I don't fear heights. I don't fear love. I don't fear growing up.

But one thing that absolutely terrifies me is being old. Now I don't care if my youth fades. I know I will have to bury friends and family and that doesn't necessarily scare me just makes me sad. But the state of being old makes my heart pound, my skin gets goosebumps, I literally start sobbing as I am now. One reason why I might be all of the sudden taken by these thoughts is that I haven't spoken or hung out with anyone remotely my age for over a month and my only company is my, now 91 year old, grandmother. And another reason why I might be terrified is that I have to take care of her alone. I don't mind the duties, I love cooking and cleaning and bringing her water and watching football with her but I don't like to be the only other person here. Because then I have to talk to her often, I have to look at her often, I have to make sure she is alive every morning. This feeling of imminence is looming over me and I try not to let it suffocate me but it still utterly terrifies me.

Just the stale look in her cloudy eyes in which used to contain a beautiful shade that are confused by the simplest concepts because she isn't the sharp chemist she used to be. Just the look of loneliest even when she is surrounded by people. The look of a lack of presence because her time is past. I hate having to answer questions over and over and over again because her memory has such a small capacity now that it can only save the most precious memories. I am completely paralyzed by the thought of not being one hundred percent in the world but still being physically present. I am terrified about not being able to see or hear properly. I don't want my grandchildren to look strange to me just because my glasses are out of date. Or not recognizing my husbands voice because I don't have a hearing aide in.  

I really wish I didn't feel this way. I love my grandma so much. I am just happy people are coming over tomorrow so I won't have to be alone and she will have other people to talk to.

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